see? i'm very labile

stupid teenagers hormone FUCK YOU!

I HATE HORMONE

i should be happy and instead i felt what?

miserable

fuck you adrenaline, estrogen or whatever they call you

sebuah post dan perasaan

sekarang saya lebih tahu apa yang saya rasakan

siapa saya...

i like this other guy from a competition, he blows my mind by the way he talks, thinks and behaves

sekarang saya tahu that feeling is just an awe. i don't fall for him. i love the way god create him. i am his fan. he's the BIG PICTURE. but he's not the one i want...

i fall for someone else

a person that is just too complicated to understand but i do :D

he's whatever he is

and i don't care if he's someone who would not understand what melodramatic means

thank you for the other guy to bring back how i really feel. thank you very much. your post was wonderful :)

FATE

ada yg namanya takdir yang ga bisa diubah hidup, mati, jodoh

lainnya?

fleksibel sekali. Tinggal minta langsung dikasih, ngg ga juga sih ada yang langsng dikasih, ada yang ditunda, anda yang diganti tergantung Tuhan moodnya kasi apa

waktu mau tes itb, saya bertanya-tanya dalam hati.."Tuhan, apa yang harus saya minta? minta masuk itb atau minta yang terbaik?"

sayangnya, Tuhan ga jawab pertanyaan saya dengan frontal.

saya buat keputusan sendiri, okelah saya minta nya gini

"Ya Tuhan jadikanlah itb sebagai Universitas terbaik bagi hidup saya, dan masukkanlah saya ke sana"

berulang-ulang setiap sholat, setiap ada kesempatan untuk doa itu yang saya minta.

terus taunya saya ga masuk ke itb, saya ga nyalahin Tuhan ga nyalahin orang tua, saya sempet salahin diri sendiri. Kenapa waktu itu saya doanya maksa? kenapa waktu itu saya ga minta dikasi yang terbaik aja apapun itu biar ga sekecewa ini? saya nangis tersedu sedan waktu tau ditolak?

saya pikir lagi, ohh saya tau...ketika saya doa pikiran saya selalu ada dua ketika mengucap doa saya selalu minta itb tapi hati saya tau yang saya paling ingin adalah diberi yang terbaik apapun itu

jadi setelah ditolak itb -anyway, ditolak unair juga- saya ganti doa

"Ya Tuhan berikanlah saya terbaik, apapun itu berikanlah saya dan kedua orang serta keluarga yang terbaik"

itu yang saya ulang setiap kali, kali ini lebih khusyuk karena saya tau ini adalah yang saya inginkan

di tengah keputus asaan tiba-tiba terbersit aja pengen ikut tes unmul, out of nowhere sambil nangis aku tiba-tiba tegas banget pengen ikut tes ini

enough story, tanpa ekspetasi apapun saya sama sekali ga menyangka bakal diterima di unmul. saya bener bener ga nunggu pengumuman sama sekali, tiba-tiba aja ada kaya 10 sms saying " CONGRATULATION" and i was like..."WHATT???"

satu detik setelah itu aku ngerasa rasa senang banget. BANGET

and i was like, okay should or should not chase after itb? after considering all options and odds and capability *and of course FATE* i decide to take unmul walaupun jurusannya kedokteran yang mana aku sama sekali ga ada kepikiran

why do i call this FATE? gini ya untuk tes ini aku cuman belajar dari buku soal snmptn, terus aku masih ga bisa ngerjain fisika SAMA SEKALI, hari pertama sih lancar aja soalnya bahasa inggris meen, yang hari kedua itu MIPA. Let me put it this wayaku sampe mau muntah, baru kelar ngerjain 60 soal aku mual dan mau muntah aku sampe ga bisa baca soal, pas ngerjain mipa terpadu aku udah ga inget apa-apa, ga ada satupun soal yang nyantol karena aku udah ga mampu sama sekali baca soal...kepalaku pusing abisss aku sempet pesimis

terus ya, ga berhenti disitu waktu aku mikir mau ikut SNMPTN nah terus aku kan liat tanggal pengumumannya 17 juli, nah waktu aku liat di kertas pengumumannya unmul terakhir bayar tanggal 16 juli jadi aku ga jadi ikut daripada riskan mengecewakan diri sendiri. 3 hari setelah pendaftaran SNMPTN selesai, aku liat algi kertas pengumuman unmul DAANNNNN..........ternyata batas akhir bayar adalah 16 AGUSTUS saudara saudara...

saya salah liat kertas pengumuman and it happens like 3 times

kata papaku " kalo emang udah jodoh ga bakal kemana"

so i take his advice, and i accept the offer

i take this as the offer from god :)

FATES ARE JUST SOOO FUNNY, ARENT THEY?

HUMANITY

this is not my kind of quirk to care more to political advances, but this time i have to. My heart is ripped off by this video footage of a palestinian children who is complaining and getting angry about how her clothes smell like gas, and how it suffocates her and her family, how she had to beg for clothes from her neighbor.

i'm pointing this issue from where i'm standing. As a human. My judgement has no correlation with my religion affiliation. As a human being, would you like your house to be bombed by millions of missiles? how would you feel if you lost your innocent kids for no wrong doing? how do you feel if everything you struggled of having in years are destroyed in no seconds? how do you see a 10 years old prepare themselves with guns, in case their sisters attacked which is pretty ensured by Israel?

from where i'm standing it's horrible, from Palestinian point of view this is pretty much commonly their daily bases of lives.

okay now i'm going to try to be a reply speaker for let's say neutral team, i would say

Israel is only doing what they do because they want to protect their armed-with-modern-handguns-with helmet-bulletproof coat guys from people who are throwing rocks, fire, small cheap home made alcohol bomb with no safety protection whatsoever.

and let's see what happened just a couple of days ago. Israel is attacking an activists boat that transport 11 tons of help for Palestinian who are trapped in Gaza and having a hard time finding foods,water, aids, and medical supplies. What happened? Israel troops are attacking the boat and exactly 9 activists are confirmed murdered in that incident

whoow whoow...did i just say incident? as long as i remembered incident happened if it is not planned. How about this one? was these 19 people are PLANNING to bomb Israel? or probably these actvist are PLANNING on sneaking in to Israel territory? but why are these people are not attacking the troops with guns if they are really really endangering Israel troops? why are they fight against the troops with bare hands instead pulling out guns if they are really concerned as danger? why are they so incapable of fighting back if they are dangerous? isn't it weird?

check this out, it's a statement provided by the minister of foreign affairs in Israel

"During the interception of the ships, the demonstrators onboard attacked the IDF naval personnel with live fire and light weaponry including knives and clubs. Additionally one of the weapons used was grabbed from an IDF soldier. The demonstrators had clearly prepared their weapons in advance for this specific purpose."

knives?

clubs?

compared to handguns that can ripped your ribs?

ooohh those activists must be really good with knives to scare the hell out of the troops

why does it have to cause innocent victims?

why attacking by lethal moves to kill more people instead of disabling the attacker if that's even really really necessary?

why putting hundreds of people in cuff with less food and water while their intention is pure to help other people from suffer?

what else is interesting?

in a video footage it was shown that the troops are asking the region of those activists, some from Malaysia, Indonesia, England, and etcetera

troops : where do you come from?

A : England *troops letting go cuff and suddenly treating the person nice"

troops : where do you come from?

B : Indonesia *troops laughing, and the spitting on his face"

good nice example troops

if my parent see me spitting on people's face they would give me REAL pain in my ass

but apparently killing people too often ruining their morality. As an Indonesian i'm not offended by what those troops did but i feel pity for that country to allow such morality disorder being done by their saint heroic troops.

oops, i forget at this moment i have to put my point of view on Israel. this is really hard to understand what they do but it easier to find thousands of point of view to be against Israel.

right now people all over the world are protesting what Israel do, and what Israel are stating is that they are just trying to PROTECT THEMSELVES and by that it allows them to attack the civilians ; including activists

now i'm gonna see this from Palestine point of view

shit, those activists will not make it. My babies and I are going to be starved for another day. Whatever we or other people try to do for Palestine are always wrong in the eyes of Israel. It will always end up with war for them. As long as we die not in the mist of smoke from nuclear and missiles, we are fine. As long as I can still pray to God i'm fine.

that's the only point of view that i can find for Palestine.

yet, i keep typing this but the war is not stopping

what i would like to do by this post is to state what side i am in

I just hope that this war is not going to make the start of another war. we should not address this war to Moslem's, Jewish, or Christian but this is a war of HUMANITY.

that's the point of view i would like to believe

I AM IN THE SIDE OF JUSTICE AND HUMANITY

who you impress? or not....

10.000 people walk on the street

the other 10.000 sit on chairs

10.000 people are in hospital wondering are they gonna be okay

and probably 10.000 others are at a club night enjoying the rest of the night in booze dreamy land

and the other 6 billion minus 40.000 people are doing whatever they are doing

my question is...

is there any possibility that just one of them thinking of me at this second?

for those of you who possibly reading this may think of me as a weird person

why would i bother to be concern with the fact that is there someone thinking of me?

but it is important

yes it is

why?

we were born, we breath, we live, we die and in between we did things many things, bad, good, evil, naive, dignify and else

the thing is, did what we do mater to people around us? did we make an impression ? or we're easily forgotten?

that's why when people are in love they are thinking of each other, that what makes love worthy.

to be concerned by other people, so lucky............

but what about the rest of us who got no love? well we got family...

how did it go with our family? good or bad?

soon you'll move out and leave them, good family meet again every Saturday

bad family, see you somewhere if we're getting very fortunate

i've seen hundreds, thousands probably of broken family

is that also an impression?

yes

but it's a bad one. the kind that people will try to forget

so in the end more of us are being forgotten

is it so hard to find a little tiny room in billions of cells in a single human's brain just to put ourselves?

just to belong somewhere?

not yet!

we got friends

in 10 years their faces starts to blur

in 30 years you'll forget your friends surname

an 50 years you will not recognize them even if they hit you in your face

so who will remember me? or you? and you?

who?

am i important?

if yes then, do you think of me? is it just once in a while?or just now cause you read my post?

if no, do you think i'm not making impression to the world?

then where do i belong in the world?

what can i do to impress?

to be present, speak, and being heard

how is that?

to live your life just the way you dreamed it

well then i'm gonna try

I THINK I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE ANGRY BECAUSE YOU'RE MY FRIENDS AND FRIENDS SUPPOSE TO TELL STORIES

BUT, WHEN THAT DAY COMES I'LL SMILE AND GIVE YOU A BIG HUG AND ALSO PRETEND THAT I'M OKAY AND I'M NOT DISAPPOINTED IN YOU

BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO HAVE YOUR PERFECT DAY

MY FEELINGS ARE INFERIOR

I JUST THOUGHT YOU WERE DIFFERENT FROM ALL THOSE FAKERS THAT HAS BEEN BACKSTABBING ME

BUT IT IS EVEN MORE SAD

I DON'T NEED COMPASSION, I EXPERIENCED BEING LET DOWN BY FRIEND MORE THAN ENOUGH

I JUST NEED YOU TO KNOW HOW I FEEL

THANK YOU

judgement

orang ga tau posisi kamu, ga tau keadaan keluarga kamu, ga tau apa yang harus kamu hadapin

jadi ketika mereka menjudge bilang kamu ga asik, kamu sensitif, kamu bermasalah, kamu itu menakutkan...

mereka cuma belum pernah ada di posisi mu...

jadi when shit happens and people start to judge again, just smile and wave

life is unfair many times, but sure is...

life is also a wheel that rotate

you position can be his/hers, and when it is, just smile again and wave